(Recommended)Popular Videos : [TED] Rethinking infidelity ... a talk for anyone who has ever loved | Esther Perel
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(Recommended)Popular Videos : [TED] Rethinking infidelity ... a talk for anyone who has ever loved | Esther Perel
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2AUat93a8Q
Playtime Comments : [TED] Rethinking infidelity ... a talk for anyone who has ever loved | Esther Perel
fi*****:
12:25 it's really interesteing, i've lived that a lot these times, can't seeing my oldest friends because they are the oldest self part of me i always tried to change , like a reminder witch it turns you in your oldest version of yourself, with the so awaiteed responses, behaviours, talks and so on... i thinks it's not just for couples but for all relationship. That's why pretty much all young couples doest last i think because the balance of the two is lost, one or other changes of cap.
Ka*********:
8:45 "we feel we are entitled to pursue our desires." This point, I feel, is an extremely salient one today. There has been a distinct generational shift from a place where the "Good life" was a life of intellectual and moral rectitude, where you did good by others regardless of the hardship. Now, the "Good life" is the freedom to pursue whatever impulse you happen to have. Life is duty. Ultimate autonomy is not worth pursuing, but it is making the most out of whatever autonomy you have to do good by others. I don't mean love is not important, but I mean that I would count it more to my credit to endure hardship to fulfill my duty to a person I am committed to than to seek out a new relationship that is more promising of immediate fullfillment. Bit of a rant, but that quote connected with me.
Th**********:
12:21 Wow. Just brilliant! "It isn't always our partner that we are turning away from, but the person that we have ourselves become. And it isn't so much that we are looking for another person, as much as we are looking for another self."
Al***:
2:50 "Monogamy used to be one person for life. Today monogamy is one person at a time..." DAMN
An*********:
What you say at 6:15 reminds me of a class I took in college on sexuality. The professor separated the students by gender and had each group create a pie chart of characteristics or attributes they look for in a partner. So the female groups pie consisted of things like being a good father, being financially responsible, supporting me, having a sense of humor... The male group then came up with a similar list but you could definitely see a difference in the items listed for each group. The thing that we discussed afterwards was that no one person fulfills EVERY piece of your pie. They may be great with money but not great in bed. They may be super funny but not great at making you feel supported. The question posed by the professor was "which pieces of the pie can you live without and which ones are absolutely essential for you to want to remain in that relationship?" I think of that when I am discussing relationship topics with people, it is an interesting concept.
Et***********:
20:40 I thought someone was raising their hand to ask a question.
KX**:
A common misconception is that only the person with low self esteem would remain in a relationship where their partner has had an infidelity issue. That could not be further from the truth. At 6:05 she brilliantly explains. If you allow your partners uncertainty or confusion about who THEY are threaten YOUR sense of self, you are giving them the power to determine your worth. Leaving and seeking completion or validation from yet another relationship wouldn't make any difference. Not all “strong” people leave, not all “weak” people stay. We are all imperfectly human at the end of the day.
ml****:
14:37 this is a powerful statement
Lo***********:
I really think this is a brilliant analysis. The episode starting at appr. 11:34 is amazing, touching and so profound. I stopped breathing when I heard it.
Top Comments : [TED] Rethinking infidelity ... a talk for anyone who has ever loved | Esther Perel
Ab**********:
"She's not yours,it's just your turn"
ne*******:
forgiveness is personal. it can never be imposed. it is to be felt genuinely by the forgiver otherwise it has no meaning. both must move on separately and should never look back.
Ni*****:
Affairs in digital age are death by a thousand cuts.
La****:
TED residents: Are you here talking for or against infidelity? Esther: Yes
Ch**********:
“Your first marriage is over”. There is something so frighteningly freeing about that.
Ve**********:
“The victim of an affair is not always the victim of the marriage”
Ro************:
Her definition of infidelity is too broad.
Vi***:
new data: willing to hurt spouse. psychopathy, dishonesty, lack of self-control, selfishness.
Yo************:
A well deserved standing ovation to a brilliant ending.
Ji*:
That lady is incredibly smart in how she expresses herself, she really brought such an interesting view on the topic of infidelity, really an amazing talk
ja*********:
"it isnt that we are looking for another person but we are looking for another self"..............damn........ you nailed it. i have felt like a different self in each of the relationships that i have had. always wondered if others felt the same. thx
Ja**********:
Couples with the name Nick and Heather should have an interesting night after watching this.
Wi**************:
Vulnerability is great but when there is a permanent reminder of it the foundation of intimacy disintegrates
Au*********:
I was cheated on by my ex after 10’years and 4 kids. She’s since left me for the person she was having the affair with. I’ve found it be a blessing as I have looked inside myself to discover where I failed as a partner and I have begun to educate myself and grow. Thank you for this information.
Ca*********:
thank you, for the most powerful messages i have received all year.
Pr******:
The part about the imagination being stronger than reality hit me so hard... But when she tells us about switching the questions healed me.
AK************:
"It isn't so much that we are looking for another person, as much as we're looking for another self."
Ke****:
"Affairs in the digital age is death by a thousand cuts." So true.
ya****:
Damn you really need to re-listen to everything she says like 3 times before internalizing it. So much depth
Fr************:
I've never been a victim of infidelity to my knowledge, but there's really only one way to avoid it. Being alone. That's the risk. Like the beach? Deal with sharks.
Wh********:
What I got from this is that you will be happier working on the relationship you have rather than spending the rest of your life cheating on people, constantly looking for this ideal that isn't there and having multiple sexual partners.
B5***:
She's like.. glowing.. with her knowledge and intellect. Wow.
Le******:
This was a phenomenal talk. I just discovered that my husband of 22 years was cheating for months, all while I thought our relationship was practically adultery-proof. My husband and I were crazy in love. We still acted like newlyweds after all this time. I found messages and pictures on his computer by chance. I’m not a snooper. I just happened to click on the wrong icon and BAM- my entire life came crashing down, two days before our 22nd anniversary.
The pain, rage, embarrassment is still fresh because it all happened two weeks ago. I am still madly in love with my husband and that makes me incredibly angry, full of shame, and I’m drowning in a pain so intense that it feels like my heart is literally breaking. I don’t know if there is a future for us. I was so blindsided that I don’t think I could ever trust him again. This talk helped. Everything she said gave me a sense of validation. It’s not another person telling me to kick him out and move on with my life. It just isn’t that simple. I’m so very glad I clicked on this video.
The pain and rage is still fresh.
An***********:
She is an amazing speaker!
Ca***********:
I could listen to her talk about anything. What a great speaker, regardless of the topic.
Mo***********:
She is one of the most charismatic humans I have ever seen. I'm standing here on ovation ...
OR****:
This was an “stopper” for me.
Cl********:
As the priest explained to me.. 'there's a fine line between temptation and infidelity'.. It's your choice if you want to cross it.
Je**:
People get together because of good chemistry. But good chemistry isn't love, it is, at best, the promise of love. Good chemistry is the ingredients for a lasting, fulfulling, relationship. Think of love as a cake. Good chemistry is the ingredients to making that cake. But, the ingredients aren't all that is required to produce that cake. You have to combine those ingredients in the right proportions, and in the right order. Then you have to bake those assembled ingredients at the right temperature for the right amount of time. After all of that you have a cake. I am convinced that so many relationships fail because the participants didn't understand the difference between good chemistry and love. They met someone with whom the connection was better than it was with anyone else before. So they believed it to be love. But, it wasn't, it was just good chemistry. To get from good chemistry to love requires a lot of work in the form of compassion, commitment, respect for yourself and your partner, honesty, communication, a willingness to place your partner's needs above your own, a willingness to trust and to be trustworthy, and time. If you are willing to do these things then you will be rewarded with genuine love. If you are not then you will never find love. My wife and I are high school sweethearts. We dated for six years before we married. We thought we were truly in love when we said our vows. We were wrong. We were still just mixing those ingredients. The cake took another twelve years to produce. Along the way we fought, alot. I was convinced at one point that she hated me and we were doomed to failure. She was equally convinced that I hated her and that we were doomed to failure. After one particularly bad Saturday we agreed to sit down and discuss our grievances without name-calling, pointing the finger, or getting defensive. I can point to that day, and that discussion, and say with certainty that that is the day I fell in love with my wife. She is now my best friend. I get irritable when I don't spend enough time with her. Along the way we raised two awesome daughters. Being parents is one of the most rewarding, and most difficult things to do in this world. And, it is one of those things that, over twenty or more years, can chip away at your relationship with your partner. You slowly go from being husband and wife to being Mom and Dad. One day you wake up, the kids are gone, and you no longer really know that person across the breakfast table from you. You've been parents so long that you stopped being a couple. To prevent this you have to maintain two relationships with each other. One as parents, and the other as a loving couple. To manage this you have to go out on a date, periodically, as a couple so that you can maintain that identity. You don't go to the steakhouse as Mom and Dad and talk about the kids, their school, their sports, their problems. You go out and be a couple, like you did before the kids came along. You talk to each other about each other and you listen to each other. Once the kids are grown, and you're no longer needed all day, every day, as Mom and Dad, you'll just be husband and wife again. If you didn't do the work to keep your identities as friends, lovers, and confidants, intact then you'll have no relationship once the kids have gone. Along the way you'll cry, you'll bleed, and your heart will be broken, but interspersed amongst the bad times with be better times, and a joy and pride you could not have imagined. It's the incredible highs that make the awful lows worth surviving. A month from now we'll celebrate our thirty-seventh wedding anniversary, but we will have been together as a couple for over forty-three years. This has been our blueprint for success.
Ta*************:
i'm strongly against affairs, and i must say as soon as i saw the title of the video i had deemed her pro affair and already had a vehement response for it forming, but i'm glad i held my tongue and decided to watch it entirely before typing. i believe she captures the nature of affairs beautifully and is wise in her position and way of explaining it. this video bears invaluable infortmation and the tools to understand/deal with this occurrence and grow from it instead of letting it ruin your perspective of love. while i still oppose affairs this speaker has reshaped the way i view them. an outstanding job on her part. Bravo.
li*******:
I think it's funny that we're always held accountable for our crimes, our work ethic, and our finances, yet when it comes to our responsibility with how we treat others in our intimate lives we're allowed to excuse our bad behaviors away. Whether that is failing to show up to a friends important event that you RSVP'D to or cheating on your romantic partner. At the end of the day, regardless of "why" you hurt your loved one, you still made an active and deliberate choice to not consider them and your responsibility to them as a friend, family member, or lover. Cheating isn't one step, its a multistep process. And it's a process that selfishly restricts your partner from having the same freedoms to access. Regardless of the intentions behind the cheating, it isn't fair to keep someone else emotionally, mentally, and sexually restricted while you yourself get to roam freely.
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